When websites start with a big fat “Welcome(!)” my ass begins to twitch.
I’d rather start with something thought provoking—says the girl who handed you the imagery of an ass twitching (you’re welcome)—or pick a word that tastes delicious as it tumbles out of my mouth.
A word like…
(it’s a tie)
A simple “welcome” just sounds
like a treacherous skank lame.
(but seriously, totally welcome you guys)
I am Nicole K. Larson. I write things. Paranormal type things (because ghosts). And before we go any further, it’s important for you to know that I don’t like cheese. Please don’t hate me.
Where the heck am I?
A magical place, indeed my friend. This is the place where the line we choose always moves the quickest, no one worries about the size of their thighs, the toddler never has a tantrum about something as silly as “Mom wouldn’t let me eat a crayon, life as we know it is over”, mimosas are only bottomless, and having a cup of tea with your favorite character is strongly encouraged.
And why am I here again?
You probably lost a bet. Sorry ’bout that.
Seriously? You’re here because you like to eat peanut butter out of the jar (with your finger…a spoon is too civilized). You have a stack of books on the side of your bed that threaten to topple over like a Jenga tower. You own a bookmark (that’s right…a bookmark). You see the humor in being a mom and constantly having a mysterious glob of goo on your sweater. You hate dieting. Like HATE it. You laugh often, spewing metaphorical drops of golden unicorn glitter as you do. And most importantly? You’re here because you know Should and Supposed To are just dickheads in bad suits. You’ll play along for a bit, but then give them the finger as you turn to make your own rules.
And who is this Nicole K. Larson person you speak of?
That would be me. ***raises hand***
What do you do?
I’m an Unstoppable Lifestyle Coach.
Hold on, what the hell does that mean?
It means I help women create their soul mate health lifestyle by finding them the right nutrition plan, fitness routine, and tweaking it as we go along. It means we work together on personal growth and development, because namaste. We also recognize that body image isn’t a tiny issue and wherever our clients fall on the spectrum of loving their bodies…we get it. We’ve been there, hell we are there. We don’t do diets, or pills, or quick fixes. We look at the person as a whole and create a lifestyle that will propel them to unstoppableness (we make up words quite a bit, be warned).
Okay, what else?
I’m also a mom to a kid with Solo as his middle name, because we are those parents and proud of it. I’m also a writer. I write Young Adult paranormal fantasy and adventure. Sometimes with a pinch of horror. And a lot of times with some love thrown in, because love.
Are the rumors true…do you really not like cheese?
Yes…***ducks and covers***
What can we expect to see here?
Living in boxes, following cliches, and going after customary notions (aka, all the Should’s, Supposed To’s, and Rules), will lead to a mediocre life. I want to create my own life, my own rules. So that’s what you can find here in the form of health and fitness, mommy hood, entrepreneurship, and fiction.
Do you have any books for us to read?
Sure! Much to the chagrin of my husband, I have bookshelves overflowing with books you can borrow.
No, no. Do you have any books for us to read that you’ve written?
Oh. Not yet, but that’s why we’re here 🙂
Do you have an agent yet?
Does my cat count?
What do you have?
I have a manuscript that is the first in a series called Replaced. It has ghosts, witches, and Purgatory Soldiers. Are you a mom? Then you may understand how I feel over here. Lessons and stories about entrepreneurship (revamping and coming soon).
How do I get an agent?
The agent dance. Similar to a rain dance but with more ink stains, bribes, and a hand puppet sacrifice.
What’s the “K” in your name stand for?
I’m thinking of coming out (as a writer), what should I expect?
Ahem. ***stands on soapbox, puts on hat***
That people are going to be amazing or complete douchebags. And sadly? The latter group will be loudest. They’re going to tell you that you’ll be broke. That you’ll be drinking cheap whiskey from a paper bag. Well meaning people will tell you it’ll be hard (even those in the industry with seemingly stunning careers). Well thanks Ranger Rick, because you know it’ll be hard. Anything worth having or striving for is hard (says you and all brilliant bumper stickers everywhere). What they won’t tell you is the rush you’ll get when meandering plot points come together for one orgasmic boom. Or how comforting it will be to have a conversation with your protagonist, where he tells you how he would react when he feels her heartbeat under his palm. And they certainly won’t tell you how intoxicating it will be to set an impossible goal for yourself only to hit it sooner and harder than it deserved (goals have feelings too). Writing isn’t clear-cut or clean. It’s messy, greasy. And it rocks.
***steps off soapbox, hangs hat***
Where do you get your ideas?
Well I used to keep a cute little Balinese medicine man—that looked like Yoda, by gosh!—in my basement who fed me ideas on a regular basis. But then one day I let him out for some fresh air and he never came back (Lost Medicine Man, please return, no reward, don’t be greedy).
Red wine or white?
Red. When I spill on the carpet I want a reminder of how awesome that night was.
Do you have any hashtags I should use or follow?
Oh my god, your questions are so brilliant and not AT ALL contrived. Click here.
Favorite piece of clothing?
Tie between my Star Wars sweatshirt and my Hogwarts one. (Obviously)
Did you see Blue and Black or Gold and White?
Teal and orange…joke’s on you guys.
Alright, well I’ve seen enough here. What’s Next?
You can read my story here. And if you like what you see we can go on a date (don’t tell the hubs…he hates it when I date other people). If you want me to be a part of your story, then come this way. If you’re looking for porn…I think we need to work on our communication.
Let’s say I’m having a brief moment of insanity and am picking up what you’re putting down. How do I stalk you?
I’m already stalking you so this works out for everyone. Win win. “Head on over here my darling, I won’t bite,” she says, while winking with her entire face making it look more like a spasm, and sending you obscene kissy faces.